Why Our Homes Are Turning Into A Hell (Article) by Ghulam Ahmed Parwez

Why Our Homes Are Turning Into A Hell

Twelfth Letter to Tahira

My dear daughter Tahira, your question is quite correct and proper in its own right. We are always perplexed by the problem that wherever they are inhabiting this earth, Muslims are poor and destitute and compared to non-Muslim, they are weak and lowly. They are degraded and depended. You have observed that our homes are devoid of peace and tranquillity. There is no unity and friendship. There is neither cohesion nor harmony. Husbands and wives do not love and respect each other. There is no trust or faith. In short, our homes are like hell that engulfs the minds of people living in them. You are asking the reason for this, and you are justified in doing so. After all, what causes this? My dear, the reason for this condition is the same that causes our collective

backwardness and poverty. Collective life and individual life are two branches of the same tree. On one side are civilization, society, economics and politics while on the other side are friendly relationships and life inside our homes. All these are the branches, stems and leaves of the same tree. If the tree is healthy and strong then all its branches will flourish, but if its roots are moth-eaten, then collectively and individually its leaves and branches cannot possibly be green and healthy. Just as it is impossible for a tree to have a healthy trunk and roots, but have wilting branches and leaves, in the same way it is impossible for an unhealthy tree to have strong, green and shiny branches. As far as our collective life is concerned, I have been explaining this fact many times (in my book "Reasons for Decline of Muslims") that the basic cause is 'religion' which we have wrongly adopted in place of the true way of life called 'Deen of Allah' (values of life contained in the Quran). Turning towards our home life, the reason for it being hellish is the man-made 'divine-law' Sharia that keeps us tied down on all four sides. Muslims are a religion obsessed nation, and such nations are quite strange.

Deen and Religion

Deen means that we should accept certain permanent values (which mean eternal truths), and no matter what the world says or does, these remain immutable values. If these are the values that Allah has given for the guidance of humanity, then to practice and accept them as immutable, would spell that nation's superiority, welfare and prosperity in life. Moreover, the countries that have dealings with such a nation would also remain in peace and tranquillity. Such a nation would be considered as a true follower of 'Deen of Allah', but if it were to adopt man-made laws as immutable principles then its life would become hell. Further, as a nation it would be degraded and become inconsequential for others. The latter would be known as a religious nation. We have forsaken the Deen of Allah and are observing the restrictions of 'religion', which is producing the expected results. This is neither unnatural, nor extraordinary, nor surprising, nor alarming. It had been surprising if it would not have resulted in this. If you sow thorns then you get a tree full of thorns and that's nothing to be surprised about. It would, however, be surprising if it would start producing grapes. Now shall I tell you the difference that you have asked for, between "Deen" and "Religion", and how forsaking "Deen" and adhering to "religion" has made our homes a hell.
Firstly, you have cited the example of Arshad's home. Despite all amenities that house is devoid of peace. It is like a hearth in which you are burning damp wooden logs. The smoke is suffocating everybody. Do you know why?

Early-age Marriage

Arshad got married when he was hardly twelve years of age and was studying in seventh class. Saghira was nine or ten years old. Saghira is the daughter of the sister of Arshad's mother. This proposal was finalized by the sisters, (meaning the couple's mothers,) of their own sweet will. It is so obvious that Arshad and Saghira could not possibly have exercised their choice at that age. After that Arshad headed for the city, got his Master degree, passed the competitive examination, and went abroad. On his return he was immediately assigned to the post of Assistant Commissioner. Saghira, however, remained the rustic girl. Now you tell me how this couple would have fared? (It is actually a misnomer to call them a "Couple") The question is, why did this happen? This happened because marriages are solemnized under traditional "religious law". Leave alone children of ten or twelve years, by this law children of even twelve or ten months could be married; and this marriage would be considered justified and right. Now, who would object to something that has been declared lawful by this 'law'? Contrary to this, 'Deen' (Quranic Law) states that the age of marriage is when the person is an adult. That means that no marriage can be performed unless and until the boy and the girl are both adults. Further, it is specified that adulthood is not the only condition. Rather, Nikah (Matrimony) is a contract in which the consent of both the parties is absolutely necessary. It is obvious that when a contract of this kind is executed with choice and consent, then both parties would consider the disposition, education, shortcomings, upbringing, surroundings, habits, character and everything else about each other, and then decide. If our self-made 'law' were not the criterion, then it would have been impossible to get Arshad and Saghira married at the age of twelve and ten respectively. When they would have grown up, Arshad would have married according to his choice. Similarly, Saghira would have been married somewhere else more suited to her surroundings. There would have been better chances of compatibility and harmony.
Do you understand how this problem becomes more complex according to "Deen" and "Religion". Now take another example. Humayun and Riffat's home life was so enviable. They were both happy and harmonious. But did you see how when Humayun went abroad, Riffat was sad and morose all the time. Riffat did not suspect Humayun's integrity. She trusted him completely. But she was disturbed by the thought of his bringing another wife. What would happen then?

Second Wife

Riffat thought of this because she knew that our 'religious laws' have given the man the right to marry a second (third or even a fourth) wife; any time he likes. He would not be reprimanded either socially or morally. This was the thought that bothered her again and again, and she was being corroded by it from within. It was not morally incorrect to express such fears, which she did on the insistence of one or two of her friends. Out of concern one of them even wrote to Humayun to beware of any such traps, for it would hurt Riffat mortally. When he came back, he was furious. When I asked the reason for his anger, he said, "Uncle, Riffat has degraded me. Why did she suspect me? How could she possibly have such baseless thoughts? Is this how she judged me after ten years of companionship? She has disgraced me and branded me untrustworthy". I heard all that with patience, and tried to divert his attention and calm him down.

You have known that Humayun never touched liquor, and never smoked. Two or three days after this incident, he was sitting with Hamed. Hamed took out his cigarette case, picked one cigarette himself and then smilingly forwarded the case towards Humayun. Humayun, too, smilingly took out one and, both of them lighted their cigarettes. After Hamed left, I confronted Humayun "You are a man of character and are a good follower of the Sharia (religion), but your smoking today has proved how hollow you are". He looked at me with surprise, and said, "Uncle, what are you saying? Smoking is not forbidden religiously or morally. I do not smoke because it is not my habit, but it is not forbidden like 'drinking'. Therefore, if I just picked up a cigarette, or even if I start smoking regularly, how does that sully my character. Uncle, you have said such a strange thing today. You never used to talk like that". I softly said, "Sorry, please do not mind me, I wanted to understand one thing which I have now comprehended. What you have said (suggests) that something which is not forbidden by 'religious law' is not considered wrong morally or socially, and if you felt inclined to do it sometimes, then it was all right to do so. You regard it neither a sin, crime or shame, and nor do you shrink from it". He said, "Quite right, that is how I understand it". This made me remark: "Sorry, our existing 'religious law' allows a man to marry again any time he likes. It is neither a sin nor crime. Neither is it morally or socially shameful nor regretful or regrettable. You adhere to this 'religious code': So if I believe that you would marry again, anytime you like, is that an assault on your character or morals"? Humayun is very understanding person, and obedient too. On hearing this he lowered his gaze and putting his head on his palm, he sank into deep thought. After a while he lifted his head and, in complaint, asked: "Uncle, just tell me, why did Riffat suspect me. I was shocked and felt hurt". I replied, I am sorry, but Riffat is not at fault. In our society every woman has this kind of suspicion. She is always apprehensive of that unknown moment when her husband would bring along another wife. Normally such apprehension remains suppressed, but if her husband goes to a place where there are more possibilities for this to happen (as in your case that you went abroad) then the concern becomes more imminent. This makes a woman feel helpless, and moreover she feels the pangs of rivalry. Like every decent woman a faithful wife is always like that in respect of her husband. A Persian couplet reads:

I do not like your shadow. I adore you but I have thousand suspicions.

These are the sentiments under which a woman's mind works; which we men call, suspicion, apprehension, lack of trust, and deprivation of character. All this makes us angry. We should step into a woman's position and then examine the condition of our heads and hearts. Humayun kept on hearing all this quietly. At last he said, quite spontaneously "Riffat forgive me. I was mistaken". I could see tears glistening in his eyes.
Have you noticed, Tahira, how this man-made Sharia (religion) has robbed husbands and wives of their mutual trust and has turned our homes into hell? But Allah's Deen (Quranic Law) has not done that. Nowhere has a man been allowed to bring in another wife whenever he likes, absolutely not. If instead of adhering to traditional 'religion' we had followed Allah's Deen, then our lives would have been heavenly with mutual trust and faith, rather than hellish with mistrust and suspicion. Remember, suspicion (whether it is in the husband's heart, or wife's, and whatever its reason) is a thorn which does not let you rest for a second. Allah's Deen had eradicated this thorn; but we have forsaken the Deen and the resultant poisonous wedges are affecting our lives.

Divorce

I have inquired about whatever you had said about Khadija. I had always believed that Khadija was a good woman. It is impossible that she would steal money from her housekeeping budget and keep it aside. Hence, what she told me corroborated my idea that there was some other reason. My dear, the reason is just what I have been writing about above. On my inquiry she said, "Brother, there is nothing to hide from you. Actually I do not know what has happened to Sughra's father. Every now and then he snaps and says, 'I will divorce you. You can take the children and go wherever you want to go'. In the beginning I thought, it was just his hot temper but now I feel he means it. Now I am so afraid that if one day he actually repeats 'Divorce' three times, what would I do? What would happen to these children? I do not have any property and there is nobody to look after me. This apprehension makes me curtail house expenses as much as I can and then (without his knowledge) I keep it aside. I know that like this, I cannot collect a substantial amount, but something is better than nothing. When an unfortunate time comes, at least I would have something with which to care for my children. I myself am afraid of God, and I know that this would be considered dishonesty. I have already decided that if, God forbid, I have to see this inopportune time, then I shall tell him (Sughra's father) that I had collected this amount from his earnings, and he can deduct it from my dower-money. One never knows whether he will pay the balance or not, but at least my conscience would be clear before God".
You see Tahira, how a good natured woman like Khadija was forced to do something to face a possible danger? Also imagine how a woman who is so apprehensive about her future, can spend her life in peace? If this is how a husband and wife's so called mutual trust is, how could that home have peace and tranquillity? This condition is not that of Khadija only, most wives in our society are apprehensive all the time. According to a poet,

Now the captor takes the knife, and now the door of the cage opens.

Why, because she knows that according to Sharia a man has the full right to, without assigning any reason, pronounce "divorce" three times verbally, and he can leave his wife. Just think my dear, if in a society a woman has that sword dangling over her head all the time, could the life in the homes in that society, be any the less hellish?

Criticism On Islam

You might say that whatever I have written above, exposes even Islam to quite a few serious objections. Since Islam legitimizes these things, then the destruction of society or making home-life hell, is not the responsibility of men, but of Islam itself which has given such licenses to men. If Islam had in fact given such rights to men, then your objection would have been correct. But (as I have written many times) Islam has given no such power to men. These licenses have been issued by the 'Sharia' that was fabricated later. The Quran does not allow such things. The Quran does not permit the marriage of a minor. For Nikah (marriage), it is essential to be an adult. The Quran legitimizes a marriage only when it is with the consent of both the boy and the girl. According to the Quran, Nikah is a contract for which the basic condition is the consent of the boy and the girl. It does not allow any man to marry twice, thrice or four times, whenever he likes. Polygamy has been suggested as an emergency measure which has to be decided upon by the Islamic Government. The Quran does not allow a man to divorce a woman any time he wishes. It suggests a proper and legal channel to cancel the contract of marriage, and both sides have the right to negotiate. But the decision has to be executed by a court of law. Now you tell me, can Islam be criticized in any way?

Early History of Islam

You say that the clergy quotes God's Messenger (PBUH) and his companions in favour of the Sharia. Incidents of their times are highlighted as showing that what they relate to must be the same in those times. I have written about it before (in a previous letter) as to which principles should guide us when we study the history of our early period. This is so clear:

1. The messenger of God (PBUH) led his own life in the light of Quranic principles.
2. Each and every word of the Quran is retained carefully and safely with us.
3. The history of the Nabi's (PBUH) time was compiled many centuries later.

Under these circumstances, we can clearly see the principle that whatever meets our eye about the Nabi (PBUH) in history, surely only that which does not go against the Holy Quran would be correct. If we come across something going against the Quran, then surely we can surmise without any reservations that it is incorrect. It has to be so because the Messenger of God (PBUH) could not act against the Quran. Such contrary episodes should be researched more. If more research is not possible, then it should be understood that either the incident happened before the law of the Quran was revealed, or else it is totally baseless and incorrect. For example, in favour of a minor's marriage, it is quoted that the Nabi (PBUH) married Ayesha® when she was six years old, but congruency of certain events shows this to be wrong. Ayesha® was at least sixteen or seventeen years old at the time of her marriage. The same applies to his other wives. These marriages were solemnized to tackle an emergent situation. I have mentioned about it in a previous letter.
Where divorce is concerned, I have written in my previous letters as to how to execute it. I do not feel the need to repeat it here. However, I do feel that the verse of the Quran, where the three divorces have been mentioned, needs elucidation. According to the Quran, the stating of three Divorces has a particular meaning: When all necessary steps have been taken in accordance with the Quranic injunctions and a divorce is the final solution, only then can the husband and wife separate. This is called the first 'divorce'. After this, if they so wish, they can remarry. If after becoming a husband and wife for the second time, they get divorced again, this would be the second 'divorce'. They are allowed again to marry. But if a divorce follows again for the third time, then they cannot get remarried. The woman can marry another man only. (This restriction aside from the point that if her new husband dies or divorces her, then she can remarry her previous or first husband). This is what Quran means by 'three divorces'.
Now let us examine the sayings (Ahadith) attributed to the Nabi (PBUH) in this respect. Certain traditions state that 'three divorces' mean divorcing once every month, for three months, so much so that final divorce is complete after the third month. Other traditions state that you pronounce the 'three divorces' at the same time and this completes the divorce procedure. Along with this we also see the following tradition, too:

Rikana®, one of the Nabi's companions, divorced his wife during the Nabi's time. The Nabi (PBUH) made them reconcile and they remarried. He divorced his wife for the second time during Omer® the second righteous caliph. The third time he divorced her during the reign of Usman®, the third righteous caliph. (Mishkat, chapter Khula and Divorce, reference Abu Daud, Tirmizi, Ibn-Maja and Darmi).
This tradition shows that Rikana® divorced his wife for the first time during the Nabi's time. After which they got married again. The second time, divorce took place during Omer's® period, following which they got married again. The third divorce, took place during Usman's® reign. After this Rikana's wife could not re-marry him. Since this method of divorce is congruent with the Quranic injunctions, we can surmise that this tradition is authentic.
Have you pondered Tahira, as to what the Quranic criterion of judging the authenticity of traditions is? You should judge all historical incidents according to the Quranic standard, and only those that corroborate should be considered authentic. Under this principle, whatever is being observed by 'traditional religion' and what is against the Quran, should never be attributed to the Nabi (PBUH). We will have to admit that all this was fabricated much later. We should endeavour to replace this 'religion' which was fabricated later with the Deen which God revealed in the Quran, and which was practised by the Nabi (PBUH) and his worthy companions. This Deen can never have those tangles that have been mentioned in those heart-rending incidents.

Condition of Modern Homes

This is the state of our "old fashioned homes". Where modern homes are concerned, they are even worse off. The only difference is that in the conservative homes their plight consumes their peace inwardly, and disrupts their contentment like tuberculosis. But in the modern homes this malady paralyses visibly, displays itself like a flaming fire. These modern homes are specimens of blind adherence of the practices of the West. What happened in the West (Christianity, like our man-made Sharia) is that woman revolted as a reaction to suppression she had undergone for centuries. The fire of revenge engulfed her in such a way that she became embodiment of rebellion and defiance! Our women took this as civilized behaviour and started emulating the same trends. The first result of this was that married life deteriorated into business concern. In this "business" a husband and wife's married life is like that of two partners in a shop. As long as it is beneficial to both, they keep it going, but when some other business looks to be more lucrative, they leave the former and join the latter one. In this partnership the dominant partner is the wife, because she has conditions written in the contract with which she keeps her husband under her thumb. As such, in the beginning this partnership is based on a purely animal level, wherein there is attraction and nothing higher than indulgence in emotional sex. After sometimes even this relationship becomes mechanical, and is kept going simply because they want to be recognized by society as husband and wife. Just think my dear daughter, when a house is erected on these foundations, can peace and tranquillity ever enter it? Remember my dear, domestic peace, harmony, real love and understanding can only develop in husband and wife when firstly, we are able to dispense with our man-made shackles which have tied down women for centuries; and on the other hand give up the immodest exposure which we have adopted by blindly aping the West. Thereafter, our marriage institution should be regulated by God-made restrictions. This would help us lead lives of true freedom, so that our houses would become real heavenly abodes.

Stagnation of Woman
Finally, I want to say something especially to you. In those homes where women are not haunted by "another wife or divorce" due either to the righteous thinking of their husbands are the women's ideal upbringing, and where men do not feel like they are living in a hotel, there is another problem which faces them. The responsibility of this problem that depletes a home of its peace that is ultimate aim of married life, lies with our virtuous and simple women. When Abid and Zahida got married, they were more or less of the same educational background. Their temperaments, too, were compatible. Their lifestyle, too, was almost the same. Hence everybody was satisfied about this marriage and thought that the couple would remain happy and compatible. For some time they kept marching together, happily and contented, after sometime, however, a rift started becoming evident. Gradually their difference of opinion turned into such a gaping rift, that nobody could believe that they had ever been compatible. The reason was that Abid kept expanding his knowledge and information, and worked hard to develop his tastes and mind. Consequently he kept progressing, while Zahida remained stuck to her grounds like a statue of stone. Abid tried hard to make her move from her place and to encourage her, but to no avail. She remained static. She was capable of progressing and keeping Abid's company, but what was needed was for her to feel its importance and to work hard for it like him. However, she never endeavored to do that. She always consoled herself by saying that God had endowed Abid with special head and heart, and that everybody could not be like him. "Moreover he does not have anything else to do, except reading and writing every day and night. But I have a hundred and one things to do. I, too, should either act like a fashionable woman, leaving the house to servants and becoming a bookworm or else I should look after the house. Only one thing out of these two options can be done. I prefer looking after the house. I do not have to study for a competitive examination, so that I could get a good job".
But as I have said above, this was a false consolation. It left only two options. Either (as it generally happens with us) Abid should have stopped progressing and have himself chained down like Zahida, or develop his potentialities and move ahead. He did the latter. The result was that after sometime he had gone so much ahead that the two life partners became poles apart. He loved Zahida, so he kept on urging her at every step, but Zahida was not willing to move even a single step. What this distance would entail was so obvious, but Abid was so noble that he did not let this develop into a collision. However, he could not be happy with the broken harmony. In the quiet moments of his life, he used to say to me, "I sometimes think that this bargain of mine, that is coming a long way ahead instead of being bogged down with Zahida is one of profit and loss. But I cannot decide conclusively. No body can fully feel my loss, so who can say how this bargain has been". Just think my daughter, what Abid's life would have been if Zahida had taken courage to do something. Not just Abid's life, but Zahida's, too, would have been different. I have said this last thing, because it has a lesson for you, too.

That's all. May God be with you!

Parwez
September 1956