Demand For Dowry (Article) by Ghulam Ahmed Parwez

Demand For Dowry

Sixth Letter to Tahira

My dear, this time I received your letter quite late. Saleem's letter told me about your welfare. I have seen that your guesses about age are generally incorrect. Shafqat must be at least twenty-seven or twenty-eight years of age. She used to carry you around, although she was quite small even then. If she was six or seven then, it does not make her less than twenty-seven or twenty-eight now. You were twenty-one last Shaban (lunar month). I know she is so well versed in household chores. She is intelligent, educated, good looking and looks after the whole house. Our girls from good families radiate their beauty through health and modesty. She is healthy and so modest. I have never seen her head uncovered. She talks with downcast eyes. If ever she has to pass in front of me, she passes with such a shrinking manner as if she is about to sink into the earth. She has grown up in front of my eyes and is like a daughter to me. Your surprise is quite justified
as to why she has not been able to get a proposal for marriage so far. It is just your misunderstanding that no boy comes up to the mark in her father's eyes or that her mother wants a family of high status.

Match-making Problems

The facts are just the opposite. The other day poor Chiragh Ali tearfully related his tail of woe. He was telling me that proper proposals are available. Women do come to look up the girl and like her, but after that it is inquired as to what she would get as dowry? He was saying that Shafqat's mother has prepared a reasonable dowry for her. In our homes people start preparing the dowry from the day a girl is born. Gradually then, clothes, jewellery, utensils and other necessities of a home are all ready to be given to the girl. All those things are ready for Shafqat, too. But these days these things are not considered as dowry. Somebody demands a motor car; and somebody wants a bungalow; and somebody is wishing for ten thousand rupees in cash. He was telling that a few days ago there was a proposal from a place called Teergaron's locality. The boy is a matriculate with a salary of sixty rupees per month, but his demand is to study abroad. If we can afford it then he will marry our girl. (Whereas Shafqat has a bachelor degree). Shafqat's father was relating this story and was becoming besides himself with anger and grief. With a sobbing voice he said, "I have forgone many conveniences, even lived hand to mouth, but I saw to it that my daughters are well brought up and gave them a good education. Now to send them off from the house you need thousands of rupees. Whatever I spent on their education, if I had been saving it, surely I would have the amount which is being demanded now. Just see how people think; if an uneducated girl brings along ten thousand rupees, then they accept it. But if the same amount has been spent on her education, then they do not value it and nobody inquires about such a girl. Her crime? Her crime is nothing except that she had a 'foolish' father who preferred educating his daughters and now he is too poor to give bungalows and cars in dowry. So these innocent girls have to pay the price of the crime, my dear brother". (He is older than I am but he always addresses me with respect. They are love and sincerity personified. My dear Tahira, after they depart, you would not find such people even if you leave no stone unturned in search for them. There are very few people who might be knowing that brother Chiragh Ali and I have merely been living in the same locality. Generally people think I am his elder brother.)

Demand for Dowry

Brother Chiragh Ali continued then: "Only I and my God know how I sent off my eldest daughter Ismat from my home. Now it is Shafqat and two more younger daughters, also grown up. Now you tell me, at my age how do I fulfil the dowry demands. My dear brother, when I go home in the evening, the sight of these three grown up girls makes my heart sink. But the thought that my moroseness may affect them adversely, I smile a fake smile in return to their greeting me. When I face the food, each morsel feels like poison going down my throat. When your sister asks about my success in this respect, I only sigh and she starts crying involuntarily. I do not have a house which I could sell or a property which I could pawn. Firstly nobody would lend such a large amount. Secondly, even if I could borrow it, a big chunk of my salary would go towards paying the installments. Then what would be left to feed the children?"
Dear Tahira! Did you hear why Shafqat does not get a proposal? Every time brother Chiragh Ali tells me his harrowing tale, I wonder why the sky does not fall upon us, or the earth does not give way. Just think, most of us have boys as well as girls. (Poor Chiragh Ali has daughters only, he does not have a boy). But other homes do have both, boys and girls. We all demand dowry worth thousands of rupees when we want to marry our boys, never thinking that tomorrow when we have to marry off our daughters, where would we get all that money from? All of us, whether rich or poor, have to face these worries when we have to marry our daughters, but there is nobody who would forward a remedy for this universal (and self-created) malady.

Dirty Mentality

Tahira, have you ever wondered what kind of mentality produces these demands for dowry? The mentality that thinks that a woman's status anyway is inferior to man. Since a woman is inferior, when a man bestows the honour of making her his wife, he encashes this investiture, and the price is called the Dowry. You did witness the bargain of Rehman Kamboh's cow when you went to the village. The bull's owner was not willing to exchange his bull with the cow. Rehman had to pay along fifty rupees with the cow to get the bull. But our girls fare less well than a cow or buffalo. If Rehman had to pay fifty rupees along with the cow, at least he got the bull. Here on the other hand, the girl's side give their girl along with ten thousand rupees. And the boy's family take all this, and then take away their boy, too. Meaning, fifty rupees, the cow and the bull all become the possession of the bull owner. Tell me, have you even seen this kind of bargain being transacted anywhere? Have you ever seen such "useless commodity" whose removal would cost you ten thousand rupees? My dear daughter, this is the status we have given to our girls. A few days ago your uncle Razzaq told me about a good proposal for his daughter. Since the boy's father was no more, he would come himself to talk things over. Razzaq was hesitant to talk to the boy, so he asked me to do so for him. So the boy came to our place. He was gentlemanly, educated and discerning. I liked him.

The Bargaining

When it came down to the transaction, he simply told me that a motor car should be a must in the dowry. I felt very angry but the girl's side is not supposed to show it, so I asked him gently, "Mister, what is it you are asking the price of? The girl is as much educated as you are; as far as your income is concerned it is less than a joiner. A joiner gets six rupees daily which adds up to one-hundred and eighty rupees per month and you are earning one-hundred and fifty rupees monthly. If the girl wishes to earn, then surely she can get more than you. She is sacrificing for you, and you instead of being grateful for it, are demanding a motor car. It was so obvious he could not answer this, and was rendered speechless. However, we lost that proposal. He struck a bargain elsewhere.
Woebegone, all this is happening among those who call themselves Muslims and after proclaiming themselves Muslims, they say all praise be to Allah. They are proud of calling themselves Muslims. The Islam to which we ascribe ourselves, as I have told you in my previous letters, considers men and women equal in all aspects of life, but in respect of the marriage contract (Nikah), he has given a woman a better status. He has addressed the man by saying that if you want to contract a marriage, you alone are not equal to a woman. You should add a gift to make yourself equal to a woman. This gift is called dower (Meher), which equalizes the deficiency in a man's stature. Therefore the equation is like this:

Man+dower (Meher)=Woman.

Dower (Meher)

Nowhere does Quran mention that woman should bring something along with her. He requires man to span this deficiency with dower and if he has nothing to give then he should, like Moses, work for his wife's father for eight or ten years (28:27). This is the status of woman according to the Quran. But contrary to it, dower has become a force. Some weddings reverberate with the boastful announcement of dower amounting to a lakh and a quarter (One lakh and twenty-five thousands rupees), which means you do not pay a single penny. Just make a boastful announcement! In some weddings it is announced that Meher is according to the Sharia (Muslims' personal laws), which is an amount of thirty-two rupees. We do not know who told them this. Dower was the value which a man presents to cover up any deficiency on his part, but now we practice quite contrary to what it was meant to be. Dower has been reduced to a mere formality, and the woman has to take something along to become a wife. This something is called dowry. For those who cannot afford it, their daughters' heads start displaying silvery streaks, while they are still at their parents' threshold. Some ill-mentioned go even beyond this. After receiving the dowry they start pestering their wives to 'squeeze' their parents. As long as she keeps bringing something from her parents, she is kept in the house. The minute this source dries up, she is turned out of the house and kept dangling unsure of her fate; or she is divorced altogether. The forlorn dejected girl (along with her children) seeks refuge in her father's house and the husband starts bargaining elsewhere. This happens in our society everyday and there is no protest against it.

Hindu Custom

In India the custom of dowry started from the Hindus. They do not give anything to a girl from her father's property so she is given something as charity. They consider it a virgin-charity Kanyadan. In their society woman lives on charity all her life. As a daughter she gets no share in her father's property, and neither as a wife from her husband's, nor as a mother from her son's property. Therefore her father gives her something in charity upon her wedding. This gradually became dowry, and the Muslims adopted it from there. Now Hindus have abolished this crude custom by law. But Muslims, "praise be to God", are progressing in it. Dowry demands are on the rise day by day. As a result, the poor fellow who gets three or four daughters feels heavily burdened. Sensitive girls feel for their parents' predicament and start blaming themselves. This develops an inferiority complex in them, ultimately leading to various nervous disorders. When they are advanced in age they either become wayward or are driven to commit suicide. Both acts are shunned by the society. It does not feel guilty that, instead of blaming those suppressed and innocent girls, the society which creates such circumstances, should be punished. But Tahira, what is happening here is, "That the one who slaughters is the beneficiary". We do not know when the rule of Quranic law would reign; and when the oppressed would be free of their shackles. My dear daughter, I have been struggling all my life for this. Perhaps you would be able to see its results. Do think of something for that poor Shafqat. She, too, has a right over you or for that matter not just she, every oppressed person has a right over us, because we, too, are responsible for their oppression. Therefore, please do something for that poor girl.
God be with you!

Parwez
June 1954